Hungry

So, there has been some reason that God has made my life totally, chaotically crazy as of late…. Late being about the past year. I’m just gone so much and finding balance between work which, even if I’m not actively in an account or doing office work, I’m “at work” as I’m on the road and when you’re gone from home for work, any time you’re away its total work. I can’t go grocery shopping, take the dog for a walk, pick up my dry cleaning, spend time with family or friends. I miss being able to reach out more with church and community projects like Love Inc and Inside Out. I’m just too wiped out by the time I do get home and if I do have a free evening, I’ve become the proverbial loser as I feel guilty going out or doing anything else besides being at home – and, okay, I’m just plain old tired.

This was my morning – the beginning of another long week (that at least I will be able to conclude with two days in the home region). I had an 8 a.m. flight to San Antonio so Cal stayed at my sister, Pat’s, house as I knew I had to be out the door by about 6:30 in order to make my flight. I set my alarm for 5:30 in order to get ready and finish packing – I double checked the alarm about 5 times to make sure it was set – and even with that, I must have turned the thing off in my sleep in the morning as I woke up on my own – at 6 a.m. Great! I actually jumped in the shower and got ready in about 30 minutes and then had to finish some things before I left so I didn’t get out the door until 6:45 a.m. I sped off to the airport and actually got there at about 7:25, parked and got in to and through security by 7:40. I even took some time to stop in at Jamba Juice and start my day off with a healthy smoothie. I got down to the gate in time to be handed an upgrade ticket to first class (yea!), even though it was a tiny plane, at least I got a little bit bigger seat. I even had some time to sit and try to make a reservation for an evening bikram yoga class in San Antonio (that is one of the benefits of travelling – I get to hook into cool bikram classes and great running trails in other locations!). And now I’m on my way to a crazy week of commuting. I have to drive about 2 hours to an account tomorrow and then work there and then come back to San An and pick up another rental car as I need to drive 5 hours to Dallas and drop the car off and pick up another car in order to work in a Dallas suburb on Wednesday. It seriously took me about 3 hours to figure out my travel plans for two days! I had to find the best flights, the best way to juggle getting from San An to Dallas and then for getting home in time to work an account in Chicago. I kind of love having to be creative like this, but it can be time consuming when you have so much else to do.

So – with all the craziness in the past year, I’m finally to the place where this is my life and I’m settled into it enough to figure how to – well, settle into it and still function as a human. I think God has been bringing me to a place where I’m needing to balance my life, my outreach and, most of all, my relationship with Him. I know that He’s given me so many opportunities as of late to share my life with others and give through His love. I’ve been a little distant in my relationship with Him lately, I think mostly because I didn’t even know where I was and I was so tired. I’m finding my tired balance and finding, there’s just no excuse to not do what I need to do. I’ve been coming back to this song that is on Kutless (a Christian group) album called “Hungry”. I love the words because it kind of consumes me.
Hungry I come to you for I know you satisfy
I am empty but I know your love does not run dry
So I wait for you – so I wait for you
I’m falling on my knees, offering all of me, Jesus you’re all this heart is living for
Broken I run to you for your arms are open wide I am weary but I know your touch restores my life
So I wait for you – so I wait for you
I’m falling on my knees, offering all of me, Jesus you’re all this heart is living for

I think what I’ve found over the past year that, a lot of times, if you go seeking for God because you feel you should, it can be an illusive search, but when you just kind of wait and are still, your heart just moves and you – you get it. It usually happens that way with me. Maybe it’s the “workaholic – do-aholic” thing that I may have a problem with. Its realizing that my relationship with Him isn’t a “do” think – it’s a wait thing. Its His timing and His way and He does it – I don’t. It really is amazing to me that I never know what happened to spark something in me or move me someplace in my relationship with Him, because I didn’t do it. I love that about God. He creates this passion in me for Him and I can’t do it. I guess that’s what passion is about – you can’t always explain a passion for something but it consumes you and makes you revolve your life around it. It can be a good thing.

With that being said, our sermon series for the next 6 weeks is on “Love”. Its not a light, frilly, trite love, but a deep one that is life changing. Pr Farish used the example of the Perrier springs in France last week and how the sparkling water just came and filled bottle after bottle. He preached about how that, if we’ve experienced God’s love, that’s what its like for us. That His love for Himself, His Son and us should just bubble up out of us continually. I’ve been struggling with that one lately too. Once again, I’m so consumed that I find myself looking at people with animosity or resenting people I don’t even know because they’re in my way or whatever. And then I feel this guilt and I know that I’m wrong. I suppose I should clarify that’s it’s a good guilt. Its this feeling that I shouldn’t be feeling that way because its not me – it shouldn’t be me. I’ve been praying that God’s love would bubble up more in just my inward feelings. Actions can be easy sometimes, but feelings are the deep, real stuff that really indicate my relationship with God. The places that no one sees except God. I want my inward feelings and my actions to match – theres the struggle.

I guess work in progress continues! We’ll see where I get this week. Sorry for the sermonette :) Its just something that I’m finding is becoming big in my life and I’m praying that it continues to grow in spite of me!

With that being said – Remember the Alamo!